Guitar

Guitar


Sleek, light, hollow

Gripping, strumming, hearing

Enjoying sounds I call my own

Music

Bad News

Overwhelming news
Just a gaping mouth to show
Stopping in my tracks


What do I do now?
Nothing seems appropriate.
Sitting in silence.

Little Surprises

In the corner of her room, she picked up the book nearest her reading chair and began searching for where she left off. She couldn't imagine doing anything else on a Friday night. Two candles aglow on the table, instrumental music in the air. Perfect.



After a while, there was a faint ring near the window. Looking at the clock revealed that two hours had passed. All five feet four inches of her petite body hopped up out of the chair and went to the window. She moved the Crimson lace curtain and unmistakably saw her orange tabby. The cat was highlighted by the porch light in the driveway with his bell ringing as he walked further toward the street. What?!?



She bolted out her door, down the picture-laden hallway, and turned the corner for the front door. What had happened? There wasn't one good reason he should be back. After all, it was Friday night. Six - one, blonde and built, this man looked shocked to see her. There before her was her security and sense of safety hanging in the air. This man, by standing there had just ripped it from her clammy hands. She felt her heart beating out of her chest. He started toward her and she turned to run. She yelled, "but I locked the door!" Running to the kitchen she grabbed the gloc from her spice cupboard, turned to face him with it and fired. The poor man fell backward and she grabbed the phone from the bar.

One Book to Another

She sat near the corner of the diner studying away another day. Her coffee was still pretty full (and probably cold by this point) and the cheesy eggs were all gone. The mid-day sun, illuminated outside her silhouette when she was interrupted by the more than empathetic waitress trying to offer a warmer cup of joe. Looking up, she seemed agitated. She closed one book and opened another. This subject apparantly went right over her head today. I was finishing up my sandwich when I heard her shout, "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?" And then she laughed...

Two sides

1)So what had happened was:
Our 2003 car has discovered mine and my husband's love affair and wants nothing to do with either one of us. He has put a lot of work into that defiant piece of snot. My man drove the car to the school. He got out and I hopped in and took off. I get out onto the main road and the thing dies while doing about 30mph. Great!!! Interestingly enough, a cop was behind me when I came to the stop light. He just looked all annoyed and went around me when the light turned green and I couldn't budge the car. Gee thanks. Yeah, I know, NOT their job.

Any who, once I did get the car into a parking lot, I tried calling information so I could contact my husband and let him know where I was. Apparantly, there is no such place as the University of Houston in Houston, Texas. 411 didn't have the 411!!! Get out of here! Twilight ZONE music was playing in my head.

Well, my man with his inkling that something was going to go wrong (HA!) walked over to where I was. After telling him what happened he said that it would be alright and walked me around to the passenger seat and asked me to get in. Still all in a huffy about there not being a damn University of Houston, I sat. And would you know, the thing started. He drove home. Albeit, he fought with it several times. So the next time I drop my husband off at the imaginary university, I better lie my ass off about sleeping with my husband OR just buy another car -heh.

2) OK, REALITY (a car void of life and therefore void of conspiracy and jealousy):
The MAF sensor stopped working and the car died while traveling. This IS suspicious cuz when we got the catalytic converter replaced, the shop guys PLUM forgot to seal the holes they put in the manifold. Two weeks went by before we went to get the car inspected. The sweet guy at the inspection place pointed it out to my man. My husband took it back to the shop so they could fix their "oopsie."

Well, my husband replaced the MAFsensor. This happened after he changed the air filter, changed belts, cleaned this and that, wrestled with the air conditioning, and now the darn transmission isn't working right (the trans fluid smells burnt and is the wrong color). JOY!!! So now my hands are in the air and he took it to a DIFFERENT shop to get the transmission looked at.

Yeah...the first view was more fun to write.

Insurance Shopping

Shopping for health insurance BLOWS!!!!

They all have a catch and roping you in with a low montly means high deductible. If there is a low deductible, they don't cover prescription drugs or don't cover hospital stays. Isn't the facility bill and the Doc bill from the hospital the scariest thing to have to pay? Geeesh! Oh and why do insurance companies bother to say they will pay what is "reasonable and customary?" Why don't they just say, "we will pay what ever in the hell we want to and then you are on your own." Thanks! And the "usually you pay btwn 35 and 45% for what we deem eligible" doesn't make me feel all that comfortable...I feel the gray hairs growing as I type. Oiyy!

Dying

Dying
Sadness, Losing
Crying, Screaming, Sleeping
Goodbyes and Heavy Hearts Alone
Expire

Bring It On

Here we go with a defining semester in college. I am taking another math course, 2 sciences with labs and a second psyc class...oh goodness.

Goal (although lofty)-stay organized.

In previous semesters, I had a spiral notebook for each class. Not a good idea!!! I wrote in the wrong subject notebook half the time AND there wasn't any rhyme or reason to where in the notebook a set of lecture notes started. Needless to mention, I started to tear out papers and started stapling them next to the last lecture in the correct notebook in an attempt to keep it together. WHAT A MESS!!! Then, I wondered why I was so stressed when finals came around??? MMMMM....it's a miracle I made a decent mark in my classes.

This semester, I will use a soft, multi subject, 3 ring flex binder so I can add all the loose paper I want and put it where I want it. There are tabs for the subjects and everything is clearly labeled. I also have a place to put my index cards!!! All those diagrams won't escape ME this year.

"Damn..., we're in a tight spot"

I like the movie Oh, Brother where art thou.
I laugh at most of the movie and love quoting it.

A few days ago, I witnessed a couple arguing in the grocery store. The "never" and "always" popped out of each of them several times before I was able to escape from earshot. The click clack of my flip flops off of the cereal aisle was COMPLETELY drowned out. As I walked, I wondered which of the lovely fighting couple would make it out alive. I sure felt sorry for the Kroger MOD.

Don't throw the cookie crisp!!!!

You know, most agree that the majority of arguments are about food. Where to eat, what to eat, how to eat, your turn to cook, my turn, etc... Now, I by no means am casting stones, because I have used these phrases. We, as humans, sometimes have a tendency to slip into a "ME" mentality, which directs blame ON SOMEONE other us. Below are a series of warning phrases.

Say these fine phrases and the second it leaves your mouth you will be in a tight spot:

Toward someone else-
It's ALL because you....
This ALWAYS happens.
You NEVER say, do, take, etc.
If ONLY YOU WOULD JUST...

Or inward focused-
I'll NEVER...
I'm so STUPID I can't even...
I'm HORRIBLE because...
I'M SUCH A DORK!

Overgeneralizing is hurtful because as it labels and defines how something is, it also inhibits growth and change. This, in turn, normally ensures that the same issue (or something very similar) will repeat.

Nudies

My daughter decided she wanted to nick-name everything and everyone. She comes to me and says she wants some more nudies. What??? Nudies, mom! Nudies!

No, we didn't have any company. Darn!

Anyhow, I told her, "uh, honey...nudies means nehked people." (or a brand of japanese blue jeans) To which she promtly replies, "BaaaHaaaaaH!!!!! Nehked people."

Note to self....keep your head out of the gutter. She just wanted more noodles with her dinner.

Performance

So I had my first graded voice performance tonight...and I survived!!! It is hard work. It is sooo much more than just opening your mouth and producing a pitch. I never knew what went into studying voice...what an eye opener! I have so much respect for those who sing. It takes courage, a love of singing, hard-core commitment, concentration, connection to your whole body, training, training, training.

My Scottish Dream

School is very stressful and every morning I wake thinking about the school work and how important it is to do well. So, when I throw my textbook or my pencil down and scream "oooohhhh!!!!" and my nerves are shot from all the school work, my husband typically will say something amusing.

This morning while quite discouraged over upcoming finals said, "come on now, let's go get some knowledge in that there head of yours. It'll feel REAL good." He is such a light. I am lucky to have him in my life. It is those type of moments in life that stand out the most. I love my Scottish Dream!

Sento Nel Core

Over the summer, I took voice through HCC. Wow, what an experience! I am practicing very diligently on a piece by Alessandro Scarlatti, "Sento nel Core". The semester is ending and the recital is this weekend. I am so stoked about it and love singing! God, soothe my nerves, so I don't get pitchy. It helps knowing that the only person I'll know there is my voice instructor. Yay!!!

Blur

F*#$ Cancer!! Another oldie...

She looks at me with wide, innocent eyes and a smile.
Something I haven't seen in quite a while.

Lying in bed, I see that face. Ha, even partying and on dates.
Trying to keep my sanity, my body and mind goes off to create...

A realm peaceful and happy. I cannot fix everything.
I'm really sorry, but I have no gifts to bring.

I want to be there to help and to mold,
But my tears and my state keep me on an interminable hold.

When I'm around I see her loving, longing eyes.
But because of fear, I cannot rise.

I try, I really do, to face what I can't stir.
My life is crumbling and this is all a blur.

Battle

Stumbled across this while cleaning out my closet. I wrote it a while back...at least 10yrs.

Wishing this feeling would go
Going day to day
Never knowing where it will show
I just kneel to pray.

The darkness, confusion
Pick my aching head.
Both bright, dim; all an intrusion
NO!!! Leave me instead.

You can't stay all the time
You will go somehow
But I really don't want to climb
So I'll have to bow.

I see the circle moon
That I have to break.
And you need to go very soon
My life is at stake!

The facebook invasion

So,yeah I could stand to learn a whole lot more.

Why do the happenings of the world seem to go on when you aren't there? People grow up and live their lives too. I liked it so much more when I thought I was the only one doing anything worth while (because after all that is all I saw.) I will quickly throw my nose in the air.

What's this? I compare myself to others!?! Gasp!!! How am I going to better myself if I constantly compare myself to others.

The shut-in thing was working for me, damnit!!! What now?????

Nothing I do feels special or worth doing because it's been done AND done. My life is supposed to have meaning for me too. Now what???? The constant reminder puts me in a state of "I don't wanna be near you anyhow!" And how dare you breathe or laugh or grow without me around?

Yeah, I get it...Life isn't a photo. Life goes on. And why am I not ok with that? Cuz it hurts when you want to see those you don't. WOW it hurts!!! OIY!!!

As the 5 year old in me says, "I am the boss of me!"

Kick in NOW! I need to not care and just live my life. I NEED to love me and the life I lead. It is the only one I have.

By Choice

It is such a relief to know I don't have anyone or anything to save. The world will go on if I walk away. I don't have to do anything. I choose to. What a relief!

Close to Fearless

So why do we put ourselves through the, "Why can't I do more?" Ha!

It's really, "Why WON'T I do more?"........ I am scared of loss...losing my husband and children. When I tell myself I can't spend time with them, I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy because my response is to break away from them. If I embrace them, I will love and eventually lose them. *Tears*

Wow, that is selfish!!

Who am I to rob them of my true, whole hearted love? The wife who spends her days being the best she can be to her beloved. Offering compassion, adventure through all of our days. The mother who embraces every hug, shares a smile and lends a steady helping hand with a problem. I will be the woman I know I am. I will be the woman who....is fearless.

Candle

Candle with a flame



Entices all of my core.



It pushes me out.



Failing hold releases a spark.



A vow keeping me from dark.

Moment

Sometimes I don't understand
the way it goes according to plan
and I say, "Wow, can everything else wait?"

Wait while I enjoy this moment in life!
The, "I can't, I won't" is gone for now.
I am here in the moment, I can fly.

Moment, baby me now. I can melt out of my shoes.
I can lift off to another place and call it free.

Scarlet Tanager

Scarlet Tanager



Pecks the wasp and tilts its head



Then swallows it whole

"Fire"

Fire


Light, inspire


Arousing, exciting

Stir with growing intensity
Passion

"Fire"

Fire


Hot, unruly


Insulting, badgering


Hurting from every single blow


Painful

"Breaking Out"

I wanna, I wanna get out.

Climb from this hole to raw ground longing to feel virgin air.

Breathe the breath that is meant, from the time that is spent

Toiling on the earth from which I came.

I wanna, I wanna explore.

Jump off this cliff and free fall onto an uncharted path.

Go the distance it takes, til creation awakes

And takes off with a life of its own.

I wanna, I wanna chuckle.

Forcefully swim through the old, mangled, rusted, steel trap door.

Cackle at the trials, swim the whole damn mile

Lifting up the finds for all to use.

Soap Box

I will not leave.
It is mine, all mine.
I can't believe that you

Could conceive anything me at all.

I am here now, not you-
Haha..you left
Sharing that thing isn't fun
It's all about me now, me, me.

I don't want your gift
Keep it, I want to grow old.

The thought just pulls me down

I won't lose my focus or my way.

Just because I'm more likely
Doesn't mean I share...
The same fate as you, haha!
I will be on my soap box, wild.

A Mind Full Thought

I see it from here
Panicked and lost
The ignorance involved.

I didn't know
How to deal-
And now I evolve?

I could have learned
And knowing now
Helped so much more.

I wish I could rewind;
Do it over so I
Can pull her ashore.

There will be a question
I want to ask, but I
Won't hear her sound.

I can't stand that
Her voice, ears, and mere
Presence won't be around.


Everyone says
That she'll be here
In Spirit.

Well, maybe, but
The fact she's leaving
Is just bull shit.