"Damn..., we're in a tight spot"

I like the movie Oh, Brother where art thou.
I laugh at most of the movie and love quoting it.

A few days ago, I witnessed a couple arguing in the grocery store. The "never" and "always" popped out of each of them several times before I was able to escape from earshot. The click clack of my flip flops off of the cereal aisle was COMPLETELY drowned out. As I walked, I wondered which of the lovely fighting couple would make it out alive. I sure felt sorry for the Kroger MOD.

Don't throw the cookie crisp!!!!

You know, most agree that the majority of arguments are about food. Where to eat, what to eat, how to eat, your turn to cook, my turn, etc... Now, I by no means am casting stones, because I have used these phrases. We, as humans, sometimes have a tendency to slip into a "ME" mentality, which directs blame ON SOMEONE other us. Below are a series of warning phrases.

Say these fine phrases and the second it leaves your mouth you will be in a tight spot:

Toward someone else-
It's ALL because you....
This ALWAYS happens.
You NEVER say, do, take, etc.
If ONLY YOU WOULD JUST...

Or inward focused-
I'll NEVER...
I'm so STUPID I can't even...
I'm HORRIBLE because...
I'M SUCH A DORK!

Overgeneralizing is hurtful because as it labels and defines how something is, it also inhibits growth and change. This, in turn, normally ensures that the same issue (or something very similar) will repeat.

Nudies

My daughter decided she wanted to nick-name everything and everyone. She comes to me and says she wants some more nudies. What??? Nudies, mom! Nudies!

No, we didn't have any company. Darn!

Anyhow, I told her, "uh, honey...nudies means nehked people." (or a brand of japanese blue jeans) To which she promtly replies, "BaaaHaaaaaH!!!!! Nehked people."

Note to self....keep your head out of the gutter. She just wanted more noodles with her dinner.

Performance

So I had my first graded voice performance tonight...and I survived!!! It is hard work. It is sooo much more than just opening your mouth and producing a pitch. I never knew what went into studying voice...what an eye opener! I have so much respect for those who sing. It takes courage, a love of singing, hard-core commitment, concentration, connection to your whole body, training, training, training.

My Scottish Dream

School is very stressful and every morning I wake thinking about the school work and how important it is to do well. So, when I throw my textbook or my pencil down and scream "oooohhhh!!!!" and my nerves are shot from all the school work, my husband typically will say something amusing.

This morning while quite discouraged over upcoming finals said, "come on now, let's go get some knowledge in that there head of yours. It'll feel REAL good." He is such a light. I am lucky to have him in my life. It is those type of moments in life that stand out the most. I love my Scottish Dream!

Sento Nel Core

Over the summer, I took voice through HCC. Wow, what an experience! I am practicing very diligently on a piece by Alessandro Scarlatti, "Sento nel Core". The semester is ending and the recital is this weekend. I am so stoked about it and love singing! God, soothe my nerves, so I don't get pitchy. It helps knowing that the only person I'll know there is my voice instructor. Yay!!!

Blur

F*#$ Cancer!! Another oldie...

She looks at me with wide, innocent eyes and a smile.
Something I haven't seen in quite a while.

Lying in bed, I see that face. Ha, even partying and on dates.
Trying to keep my sanity, my body and mind goes off to create...

A realm peaceful and happy. I cannot fix everything.
I'm really sorry, but I have no gifts to bring.

I want to be there to help and to mold,
But my tears and my state keep me on an interminable hold.

When I'm around I see her loving, longing eyes.
But because of fear, I cannot rise.

I try, I really do, to face what I can't stir.
My life is crumbling and this is all a blur.

Battle

Stumbled across this while cleaning out my closet. I wrote it a while back...at least 10yrs.

Wishing this feeling would go
Going day to day
Never knowing where it will show
I just kneel to pray.

The darkness, confusion
Pick my aching head.
Both bright, dim; all an intrusion
NO!!! Leave me instead.

You can't stay all the time
You will go somehow
But I really don't want to climb
So I'll have to bow.

I see the circle moon
That I have to break.
And you need to go very soon
My life is at stake!

The facebook invasion

So,yeah I could stand to learn a whole lot more.

Why do the happenings of the world seem to go on when you aren't there? People grow up and live their lives too. I liked it so much more when I thought I was the only one doing anything worth while (because after all that is all I saw.) I will quickly throw my nose in the air.

What's this? I compare myself to others!?! Gasp!!! How am I going to better myself if I constantly compare myself to others.

The shut-in thing was working for me, damnit!!! What now?????

Nothing I do feels special or worth doing because it's been done AND done. My life is supposed to have meaning for me too. Now what???? The constant reminder puts me in a state of "I don't wanna be near you anyhow!" And how dare you breathe or laugh or grow without me around?

Yeah, I get it...Life isn't a photo. Life goes on. And why am I not ok with that? Cuz it hurts when you want to see those you don't. WOW it hurts!!! OIY!!!

As the 5 year old in me says, "I am the boss of me!"

Kick in NOW! I need to not care and just live my life. I NEED to love me and the life I lead. It is the only one I have.

By Choice

It is such a relief to know I don't have anyone or anything to save. The world will go on if I walk away. I don't have to do anything. I choose to. What a relief!

Close to Fearless

So why do we put ourselves through the, "Why can't I do more?" Ha!

It's really, "Why WON'T I do more?"........ I am scared of loss...losing my husband and children. When I tell myself I can't spend time with them, I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy because my response is to break away from them. If I embrace them, I will love and eventually lose them. *Tears*

Wow, that is selfish!!

Who am I to rob them of my true, whole hearted love? The wife who spends her days being the best she can be to her beloved. Offering compassion, adventure through all of our days. The mother who embraces every hug, shares a smile and lends a steady helping hand with a problem. I will be the woman I know I am. I will be the woman who....is fearless.

Candle

Candle with a flame



Entices all of my core.



It pushes me out.



Failing hold releases a spark.



A vow keeping me from dark.

Moment

Sometimes I don't understand
the way it goes according to plan
and I say, "Wow, can everything else wait?"

Wait while I enjoy this moment in life!
The, "I can't, I won't" is gone for now.
I am here in the moment, I can fly.

Moment, baby me now. I can melt out of my shoes.
I can lift off to another place and call it free.

Scarlet Tanager

Scarlet Tanager



Pecks the wasp and tilts its head



Then swallows it whole

"Fire"

Fire


Light, inspire


Arousing, exciting

Stir with growing intensity
Passion

"Fire"

Fire


Hot, unruly


Insulting, badgering


Hurting from every single blow


Painful

"Breaking Out"

I wanna, I wanna get out.

Climb from this hole to raw ground longing to feel virgin air.

Breathe the breath that is meant, from the time that is spent

Toiling on the earth from which I came.

I wanna, I wanna explore.

Jump off this cliff and free fall onto an uncharted path.

Go the distance it takes, til creation awakes

And takes off with a life of its own.

I wanna, I wanna chuckle.

Forcefully swim through the old, mangled, rusted, steel trap door.

Cackle at the trials, swim the whole damn mile

Lifting up the finds for all to use.

Soap Box

I will not leave.
It is mine, all mine.
I can't believe that you

Could conceive anything me at all.

I am here now, not you-
Haha..you left
Sharing that thing isn't fun
It's all about me now, me, me.

I don't want your gift
Keep it, I want to grow old.

The thought just pulls me down

I won't lose my focus or my way.

Just because I'm more likely
Doesn't mean I share...
The same fate as you, haha!
I will be on my soap box, wild.

A Mind Full Thought

I see it from here
Panicked and lost
The ignorance involved.

I didn't know
How to deal-
And now I evolve?

I could have learned
And knowing now
Helped so much more.

I wish I could rewind;
Do it over so I
Can pull her ashore.

There will be a question
I want to ask, but I
Won't hear her sound.

I can't stand that
Her voice, ears, and mere
Presence won't be around.


Everyone says
That she'll be here
In Spirit.

Well, maybe, but
The fact she's leaving
Is just bull shit.

Blown Away

Life is short. We come and go.

We see love, then away it blows.

We think it's here and then it's not,

I think a lot and then I'm hot.

So hot with fire that I can't see,

this pang of hate that comes out of me.

Then we talk. Haha. We talk.

We don't stop it or slow it down.

I don't tame it, It's no use now.

The love, the hate.

Oh ho, it's not a simple debate.

But down the road....

Behind the curtains, we can't see.

And all this time, all of this time...

It has been right in front of me.

The way of life we yearn

And the togetherness, our minds burn

We own this day by what we do

After all...

Life is short. We come and go.

I'm just holding on before I go.

On School

Why is it so hard to follow what is in your heart? It is right here. I feel it beating in my chest as I type. Why has it taken me so long to start looking?

Most people know what it means when someone asks, "What do you do?" So when I say that I am a mom and a student, the air in the room changes. I love when I hear myself say it. So, eventhough most either look down their noses or express their words through a pity party, I am proud. You see, I never saw an option or possessed the desire to go to college and change my stars. I was born into a hard-working, low earning family without tools or student mentors. So when my teen-aged years came and went, my thought toward college was that it was for:

A. People with Potential
B. People with MONEY!
C. People with Drive.

NOT ME!

Time to enter the work force. Fast forward 8 yrs. BZZZZZZZT!!! Flip, Flip, Flip. ERRRRT!!!!
Then something happened. Actually a lot of things happened. I felt stagnant, void of purpose and like I was going NOWHERE and very, very fast. Oh, the slights in my life and with the habits I was creating, I can't imagine accomplishing much had I not done something different.

Anyone who knows me, knows it is very hard for me to sit still. There exists an internal need to be constantly moving forward in some way. This made it so that I couldn't hold on to much of anything because I was moving and moving on too fast. Le Sigh. Yeah, I never want to go back.

But, AHA!!!! I couldn't sit still. This now appears as drive.
Looking back on the not holding on to much, I see it as a blessing. It wasn't the curse I believed it to be. It was my way of not accepting a fate, but creating one. Yes, this made my life increasingly more difficult as years went by, but it led me back to school.

Most believe I should have just gone to school, but I didn't. I got married, had children, and then began school. My whole adult life was operated in a somewhat backward fashion from what most parents would deem appropriate, but HA! Who cares? I was orphaned as a young adult. I make the rules. I must pause for some much due maniacal laughter....

So now in school, I look to a brighter future. What does it hold, exactly? I do not know. We'll see.