Thought I missed it.  Didn't think it would happen.  But all along you knew. All along you still know.  What I have faced, what I will face. It is all there in front of you, but I can't see it. Guess I will have to believe it or else. Or else what? Or else I will never get it. I don't want to be the one who never got it, who never figured it out. Still missing something though...

 A person I knew lost her battle with drugs. It's sad, so sad to know that her life ended so young. So sad she fought so hard against it and still died. Another person I knew in recovery once told me, "We all will die our own death, we might as well live our own life." This statement was a tool he used to pull himself from minute to minute through some tough times.
There are so many people  that battle addiction and an increasing number of children start with pills and  never stop. These pills maybe in yours or a friend's medicine cabinet. These are our children, our sisters and brothers, our aunts and uncles, our mothers and fathers, our cousins, our friends, our neighbors. These are wealthy people, poor people and middle class people. These are white collared, blue collared, these are church goers, these are unbelievers, these are the lost, these are the found, these are the vulnerable, these are the driven ones, the slackers, the funny, the serious and anywhere in between. A problem larger than most will ever admit, drugs cannot and will not go down with out an all out war on the human race. One of the many ways drugs get to people? The raging drug industry (yes industry). Families all over the world have jobs growing the drugs and harvesting them to feed their family. Sickening to me because it's in demand to hurt our fellow humans. While these families are making a living harvesting, processing and distributing drugs, it's  wrecking havoc on the individuals taking the drugs, their families, jobs and economy on the receiving end of the drugs. An all around shift of money. The 3rd world countries supplying to the developed countries to chip away at them, one person at a time. I find it ironic and sad.

Time

Do you ever notice there's more time in some days than others? Some say it's due to how much you have going on in your day or how much you enjoy your time in the day.  While that is true for me sometimes, I know there is more and more time that has gone by and don't want less to be ahead of me. I guess I am worried that it's true... The feeling that time HAS to be speeding up leads me to believe that I just don't want to miss anything. 
My kids are growing up SO fast. I am getting older too. Stevie Nicks anyone?

Nothing At All to Me

Dug up a Story I wrote on betrayal:

Nothing At All to Me

I am not to be pushed or hushed. 
It's monogamy or bust. 
I'm not like anyone else who has fussed 
Black and white. It's me or it's not.
Every minute I sit here thinking, 
It's become clearer...
You never gave me a fighting chance in your thoughts
(heh, you just weren't into me) 
The crazy part is you were in most of mine except 
It's NOT crazy since it was in our vows
But you apparently preTended it all.


You know I think back:

You were the stars in the sky for me
The fresh air over spring waters for me
The laugh in my life of sorrow for me.
And now the business trips that pulled you away
The birthdays you missed
The calls never made
I see why I don't care for ya now.
The empty chair accross and next to me
Make it clear you are Nothing at all to me.

I do not know why you did what you did
Oh I could guess: a pair of flirty breasts and willing vagina. 
I have all of this, but I guess she was closer?
I digress. The betrayal is real 
The fate of this hate is born
and closure stamped closed with a red wax seal.
I feel better now that your presence is gone.
I am free to be loved like I know I deserve.
So go ahead and get it on with anyone you want 

Because eventhough...

You were the stars in the sky for me
The fresh air over spring waters for me
The laugh in my life of sorrow for me.
And the less than likely excuses cuz you strayed
The birthdays you missed
The calls never made
You see why I don't care for ya now.
It's Still only me in this bed
You hurt me deep down 
But still clear you are Nothing at all to me.

I have moved on in direction and drive
Going for my dreams now. Forget about love. 
Got passion for what I do and that's More than enough
Loving the life I lead cuz I am completely complete 
Without all the doubt and deceipt.
Just had to seed my passion and count
All the ways I love my life without you 

Because since...

You were the stars in the sky for me
The fresh air over spring waters for me
The laugh in my life of sorrow for me.
I see I wasted so much time on you
And now that I'm here
I see the possibilities
And why I am glad you are gone
Cuz I see the beautiful view accross from me now
Making it clear you Really are nothing at all to me.

Ah, the possibilities...

It is a twist. It's an amazing twist.
You see, I woke up stronger, much stronger today.
The infinite possibilities haven't all hit me yet.
But if some possibilities occured to me this morning, of course there are more beyond what I have thought of.
I allowed it to happen, some of the things that I could control, I no longer wanted to.
No, I didn't leave reality and lose ambition to apply myself in the community. Just a paradigm shift of sorts...
I am conducting my time and energy from a different base; exchanging the constantly doing for thinking. This one change has made all the difference in the world to me.
And what I found was that events turned out much better than the way I would have wanted them to.
This mode of thinking allowed me to see that I wasn't all that. A realization that maybe just maybe life doesn't have to be so damn stressful. That no matter what, it will turn out okay whether you get gray hair over it or not. More than that, it will turn out just the way it supposed to. Perfectly imperfect. No, not anticlimactic, just reality. A reality I now embrace.

Another day at work, another day off.
Been sick the last several days and now I'm starting to feel a little more like myself. I really want to get some things out of my house and declutter my life. I want that clean feeling back. I want to know where things are and spend the time making my space the way I want it...practical, clean, appealing. This will not be easy given that I have to begin with floors and furniture. In time. Time is funny. Well, it is only Spring.

I'll Make It Clear

I am all that.

I got what you want.

Don’t care about your prospects or no money, babe.

Reach out cuz I want to.

I use this to make the riches in me overflow.

And got everything I want.

What you see is what you get.

So get over yourself, it’s not only you.

Not interested in money.

Want growth.

Got to get out of here.

This haze is lookin like mud.

"Time after time" is comin to mind.

Really.

Can it be?

Can it be?

Will you know when it gets a hold of you?

Will it hit you too?

One day. When you’re climbing your way up?

Fighting your way through your life fight?

Or in your prime?

Every time it is a sucker punch to the gut.

Every time it has blind sided me.

No one is exempt.  It seems to affect everyone.

Either you have it, or someone you know has it.

I am not alone.

I am not afraid.

I am empowered to be more

Do more

Live more

Laugh more

Cuz I want to

Cuz I don’t want to die

Cuz I want to be right

Cuz I got to try…

And see that it’s not all that bad

It’s not just these words

It’s my life

Can’t get over the wall if I don't keep climbing.

I cant’ believe I’ve come this far.

But eyes straight ahead, I can’t look back now.

Gotta let ‘em go, it's what they’d  want anyhow!

Don't want it to bite me when I’m payin attention

To the "all important" ascension.

So yeah I get mad and sad and reminisce at times.

I tell their stories 

So just let me live,

Let me climb

Let me be.  Let it stay at bay!

So I can make my mark.

Fuck Cancer!

Are Jee and son of my one beat?

Right or left? I don't get why you won't let me be, won't let me be.
Get out! I climb up and you push me down.
And Screw you!
Now, where is the logic in this?  I want to smile!
Dude, I have done my time. I've eaten my limes and
Even swallowed the frappin seeds.
Right or left? Come on now? Does it have to be the whole world? Why not me?
One time in life! Why not me?!
No pride dares to enter here, it blocks the rain
From washing me clean.
Rain on me. Rain on me.
Try it and see.  It isn't that hard.
Just go! I hate that you won't let me be.
I can't forget, I want to though.
I really want to.
Just let me be.

The drums and the guitar.
The bass and the keyboard.
The voice, the laugh.
I laugh.

The thought of another day with, makes me want out.
I just can't escape you.  Damn eyes and beat.
Alive, life.
That beat's just not for me.
That beat's just not for me.
It is for the world. The mission, I know.
But my beat can't escape, not with you.
Strumming on, I feel it though.
Is it another project, gadget or art again?
What is it now?
In the end it doesn't matter.
Calling my name, the same.
Calling my name...the same.
My beat, you are the death of me!
My beat, you leave so fast.
My beat, you've breathed your last.
Your last is this time...this time.
You've lost, you've lost.
So let me be, let me be.

Rain

The undertones of struggle in this piece signify for me, the death of hate and fear.

Rain

Rain again

Let it rain

I got it

It can rain and I’ll be ok

I know what you said and I get it.

This is what I choose.

Because I will not lose

Sight of my path of seeds,

Laying in the thick of the reeds.

6 o clock again and again, again and again

Hole in my wrist in the den.

I keep it safe from the likes of you,

The coffee is a battery

The likes of you

Just smashes me.

I can’t believe that all I have is good enough

All I’ve been told and sold was that sure, yeah I’ll call your bluff

It’s about to get rough

I’ll sell your shirt off your back

It’s so tough

Rain

Rain again

Let it rain

I got it

It can rain and I’ll be ok

I know what you said and I get it.

This is what I choose.

Because I will not lose

Sight of my path of seeds,

Laying in the thick of the reeds.

6 o clock again and again, again and again

Out there it’s not all you can say

Or about seize the day

Somebody help me get off this hay

Cuz I can’t find the needle I sat on

It’s just not worth lunging the revenge upon

You.  I just want to live on, the best

Me I can be.  But it’s like I can’t sit, stand,

I just gotta interrupt.

Run it over, then scrape it up

Yeah, yeah. Ha! That’s me in a cup

Rain

Rain again

Let it rain

I got it

It can rain and I’ll be ok

I know what you said and I get it.

This is what I choose.

Because I will not lose

Sight of my path of seeds,

Laying in the thick of the reeds.

6 o clock again and again, again and again

I sit paralyzed without a word to say

You think I don’t bleed? Well I do!

I am not gonna live on like this in my crew.

I just show you not a whisper of ill intent

Letting you sit there and lament

In all you’ve done.

Does it make you feel

Better now that you’re shunned?

Shunned out of this area

It’s like a net around you

Protecting you from Malaria.

I ain’t scared of ya.

What? What?!

Rain

Rain again

Let it rain

I got it

It can rain and I’ll be ok

I know what you said and I get it.

This is what I choose.

Because I will not lose

Sight of my path of seeds,

Laying in the thick of the reeds.

6 o clock again and again, again and again

Mental Health

More died at the hand of a mentally unstable man.  Maybe if money entered the talk? How many billions of dollars could we save in extra security measures, hassles and fallout effects on families if mental health is addressed? How would someone be left dangling with mental illness if we had preventative mental health measures in place, ESPECIALLY for military personnel? Come on CNN, maybe Alexis had a mental health issue? Is the issue really military contractor access? Really?  What was going on with him before he was granted access?  It is not a question of the military contractors having free range access! Stalling and not addressing the issue.  The real issue is mental health!  Why not address mental health?? Preventative measures now (even though we don't realize the apparent success when there is an absence of shootings) goes a long way in securing the safety of people, not contractor access for the Navy yard.  That is all that will be addressed is access?  Same can be applied to the Fort Hood shootings.  I get that reacting to fix something we can see might look better, but is it? Root cause, root cause.
http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/17/us/navy-yard-shooting-military-contractors/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

Edit

Edit, please edit.  Stress to yourself to edit because it apparently can bite you really hard.  No matter what you intend, the person who reads it may not get that intention.  It hurts and sucks and apparently this life is a communications class.  Well, the effort is here.  A big, fat sincere sorry for any ill intentions received.  There are none to you.  I hope there weren't any ill effects that came your way.  Still to everyone else please...edit.  

Thank you Man

So I was driving down the road and stopped at a red light.  I heard a honk and looked over to my left.  I saw tinted windows and an outline of a mans head.  The back window went down.  Out from his car came, "Hey Gorgeous."  I waved with my left hand and out bounced a perplexed, "Hi."  He looked shocked and said, "oh, I didn't see your ring at first, sorry."  His sincere apology showed true character. Thank you for putting a smile on my face.  Happy to know that I am still attractive enough to get that kind of greeting. :0)

Simple Moment

Walking along the bank, the rustling of leaves and twigs stop.

She stops to pat the water with her small palm.

The cool breeze off the water collides with her face and she inhales with a jolted smile.

Evermore, the joy.
Evermore, enjoying the simple moments.
In an instant, gone.
The girl reaches up for her mother’s hand.

They continue on their way and leave the bank once more.

Below the Surface

Get me out of here. I wanna take a ride


Far away in a warmer place in time.


So cold here, just aching to see


what I can't fathom. HA, it's gotten hold of me.





Spots of silver, shaking through it all.


Moving along with little care in mind.


Come on by. Believe me- you can.


It is all here just buried deep before you ran.





So bring your red shovel and put me at ease.


Guide me to contagious laughs in pen.


I give so much more in return.


The fire blazes free, in the midst of the burn.

Here

So I have been told that I have an active imagination and should write a romance novel. Mmmm, I might one day. For now, I will settle for the inspiration that the short story and verse offer. Cheers!

Think of me.
Think you know me.
Can’t we just be here without anything to do?
Without anything to say?
We can be here, be here, be here…..
I don’t wanna think you aren’t who I presume you are.
I wanna believe you are who I think you are….
You will be mine today, and I don’t care about tomorrow.
I seek the thrill of you, feel of you, look of you, here…..
Sitting on the brink of absolutely nothing at all….
So just be here in this space, be here, be here…..
No fights, no words, no ill conceived notions of the day, come away…..
I am here, I am here, be here….
I am here….

Going Anyway

Monkey on the free fall
Don’t know where he goes.
Loving is the time of day
I always want to grow.

Make her, take her
Carry her away.
Love her, lead her
Say goodbye someday.

Beautiful Noise

Running frightened from the spot light, it tangles in the web of the spider where its shell rests. The abyss isn't far. The beautiful chimes look peaceful and sound grand as they sound off. 
The aphids are no more when the wasp harbors near.
The bird flies away at the sight of a dog.
The bird doesn't peck the wasp.
The chimes ring again.
Oh, the high tones.
Oh, the low tones.
All together.
The wind blows.
They sound again.
And again.
And again.
It penetrates nerves from the inside and ruptures them.
Oh, how will you cease your sound? Can you not stop and love the quiet? Once more just quiet! Resting on the stone is a rose to cry a tear. The wind blows and silence triumphs.

Litera... what?

Playing with an idea presented to me through literature:

Not here for you.
The graceful words come from your mouth and take me to another place.

I heard on the radio that a certain famous figure is just plain despicable because he doesn’t deal with controversy well and is acting like a child about it.
What would make you judge so quickly?

Getting something you don't want
And then taking something else to, in effect make the first thing go away...
Doesn't work.  It's not an infection.

Saying where you got your coat just solidifies to you and everyone else that you got it and now, where you got it.
Clothes hide, clothes reveal. Can it really be that simple?
Ha, Saying that clothes drape our body to solely protect it is quite an illusive, incomplete statement.
It is out there now and you know it!
Its interminable hold on your state will release you one day. It is alright and you are alright, really.
Really you are!
We all have clothes.

Judgements are harsh from those who don't know and I know.
Life is as complex as we make it.

Goats eat grass and give our world so much more in return. Meh heh heh heh.

Clouds form above my head. A dark day and then, the rain washes away my tears... and I climb again.

Held in the Wings of a Dragonfly

Warm breeze through the air
Holds me in a soothing daze
Buzz of dragonflies
Zooming past my darting eyes
Calls my return and I rise.

Behold, now I state
Now is quite precious indeed
Embrace every chance
To raise your great, shining lance
And improve your circumstance.