By Choice

It is such a relief to know I don't have anyone or anything to save. The world will go on if I walk away. I don't have to do anything. I choose to. What a relief!

Close to Fearless

So why do we put ourselves through the, "Why can't I do more?" Ha!

It's really, "Why WON'T I do more?"........ I am scared of loss...losing my husband and children. When I tell myself I can't spend time with them, I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy because my response is to break away from them. If I embrace them, I will love and eventually lose them. *Tears*

Wow, that is selfish!!

Who am I to rob them of my true, whole hearted love? The wife who spends her days being the best she can be to her beloved. Offering compassion, adventure through all of our days. The mother who embraces every hug, shares a smile and lends a steady helping hand with a problem. I will be the woman I know I am. I will be the woman who....is fearless.

Candle

Candle with a flame



Entices all of my core.



It pushes me out.



Failing hold releases a spark.



A vow keeping me from dark.

Moment

Sometimes I don't understand
the way it goes according to plan
and I say, "Wow, can everything else wait?"

Wait while I enjoy this moment in life!
The, "I can't, I won't" is gone for now.
I am here in the moment, I can fly.

Moment, baby me now. I can melt out of my shoes.
I can lift off to another place and call it free.

Scarlet Tanager

Scarlet Tanager



Pecks the wasp and tilts its head



Then swallows it whole

"Fire"

Fire


Light, inspire


Arousing, exciting

Stir with growing intensity
Passion

"Fire"

Fire


Hot, unruly


Insulting, badgering


Hurting from every single blow


Painful

"Breaking Out"

I wanna, I wanna get out.

Climb from this hole to raw ground longing to feel virgin air.

Breathe the breath that is meant, from the time that is spent

Toiling on the earth from which I came.

I wanna, I wanna explore.

Jump off this cliff and free fall onto an uncharted path.

Go the distance it takes, til creation awakes

And takes off with a life of its own.

I wanna, I wanna chuckle.

Forcefully swim through the old, mangled, rusted, steel trap door.

Cackle at the trials, swim the whole damn mile

Lifting up the finds for all to use.

Soap Box

I will not leave.
It is mine, all mine.
I can't believe that you

Could conceive anything me at all.

I am here now, not you-
Haha..you left
Sharing that thing isn't fun
It's all about me now, me, me.

I don't want your gift
Keep it, I want to grow old.

The thought just pulls me down

I won't lose my focus or my way.

Just because I'm more likely
Doesn't mean I share...
The same fate as you, haha!
I will be on my soap box, wild.

A Mind Full Thought

I see it from here
Panicked and lost
The ignorance involved.

I didn't know
How to deal-
And now I evolve?

I could have learned
And knowing now
Helped so much more.

I wish I could rewind;
Do it over so I
Can pull her ashore.

There will be a question
I want to ask, but I
Won't hear her sound.

I can't stand that
Her voice, ears, and mere
Presence won't be around.


Everyone says
That she'll be here
In Spirit.

Well, maybe, but
The fact she's leaving
Is just bull shit.

Blown Away

Life is short. We come and go.

We see love, then away it blows.

We think it's here and then it's not,

I think a lot and then I'm hot.

So hot with fire that I can't see,

this pang of hate that comes out of me.

Then we talk. Haha. We talk.

We don't stop it or slow it down.

I don't tame it, It's no use now.

The love, the hate.

Oh ho, it's not a simple debate.

But down the road....

Behind the curtains, we can't see.

And all this time, all of this time...

It has been right in front of me.

The way of life we yearn

And the togetherness, our minds burn

We own this day by what we do

After all...

Life is short. We come and go.

I'm just holding on before I go.

On School

Why is it so hard to follow what is in your heart? It is right here. I feel it beating in my chest as I type. Why has it taken me so long to start looking?

Most people know what it means when someone asks, "What do you do?" So when I say that I am a mom and a student, the air in the room changes. I love when I hear myself say it. So, eventhough most either look down their noses or express their words through a pity party, I am proud. You see, I never saw an option or possessed the desire to go to college and change my stars. I was born into a hard-working, low earning family without tools or student mentors. So when my teen-aged years came and went, my thought toward college was that it was for:

A. People with Potential
B. People with MONEY!
C. People with Drive.

NOT ME!

Time to enter the work force. Fast forward 8 yrs. BZZZZZZZT!!! Flip, Flip, Flip. ERRRRT!!!!
Then something happened. Actually a lot of things happened. I felt stagnant, void of purpose and like I was going NOWHERE and very, very fast. Oh, the slights in my life and with the habits I was creating, I can't imagine accomplishing much had I not done something different.

Anyone who knows me, knows it is very hard for me to sit still. There exists an internal need to be constantly moving forward in some way. This made it so that I couldn't hold on to much of anything because I was moving and moving on too fast. Le Sigh. Yeah, I never want to go back.

But, AHA!!!! I couldn't sit still. This now appears as drive.
Looking back on the not holding on to much, I see it as a blessing. It wasn't the curse I believed it to be. It was my way of not accepting a fate, but creating one. Yes, this made my life increasingly more difficult as years went by, but it led me back to school.

Most believe I should have just gone to school, but I didn't. I got married, had children, and then began school. My whole adult life was operated in a somewhat backward fashion from what most parents would deem appropriate, but HA! Who cares? I was orphaned as a young adult. I make the rules. I must pause for some much due maniacal laughter....

So now in school, I look to a brighter future. What does it hold, exactly? I do not know. We'll see.

Judgement

Just because I fall down, doesn't mean I stay there....forever. I just wallow in...in...in it and then I...I get back up. Damn it!
Just because I fret, doesn't mean I don't know what's really going on with you.
Just because I leave and then drag myself kicking and screaming back again, doesn't mean I knew why I left in the first place.
Just because you know me, doesn't mean you know me.
Just because you love me and would do anything for me, doesn't mean you get to encourage my self destruction.
Just because you think I don't know, doesn't give you the right to hurt me.
Just because I know me, doesn't mean I know me.
Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it's not happening.

The Most Dreaded Six Letter Word

Cancer. I am so sick of that word and everything that comes with it. My heart is heavy everytime I hear it. It seems as though everyone is getting it-like getting a cold that never lets up.

Something we own and want to get rid of? Well, kind of. Like clutter in your life that seems to find a permanent home right on your path. Is cancer a part of us? Definitely.

Even my sweet Kria has it. It's a very invasive nerve sheath tumor. An operation is out of the question. We are giving her pain meds -that we most times have to force down her throat-just to make her more comfortable in hopes that the pain is less noticable to her while the cancer takes her life. A life? Up until recently has been a happy, active dog.

I remember when I first saw Kria. She had pink bubble gum stuck underneath her mouth and was crawling out from under an old, beat-up car. My brother told me about her and my parents said I could have her, but that she was my responsibility. Now after eleven years, moving with me 8 times, lots of laughs, running, great protection and service (scaring solicitors away from the door and creepy guys when out and about), and wonderful vacations, she is a better companion than I could have ever imagined.