Nothing At All to Me

Dug up a Story I wrote on betrayal:

Nothing At All to Me

I am not to be pushed or hushed. 
It's monogamy or bust. 
I'm not like anyone else who has fussed 
Black and white. It's me or it's not.
Every minute I sit here thinking, 
It's become clearer...
You never gave me a fighting chance in your thoughts
(heh, you just weren't into me) 
The crazy part is you were in most of mine except 
It's NOT crazy since it was in our vows
But you apparently preTended it all.


You know I think back:

You were the stars in the sky for me
The fresh air over spring waters for me
The laugh in my life of sorrow for me.
And now the business trips that pulled you away
The birthdays you missed
The calls never made
I see why I don't care for ya now.
The empty chair accross and next to me
Make it clear you are Nothing at all to me.

I do not know why you did what you did
Oh I could guess: a pair of flirty breasts and willing vagina. 
I have all of this, but I guess she was closer?
I digress. The betrayal is real 
The fate of this hate is born
and closure stamped closed with a red wax seal.
I feel better now that your presence is gone.
I am free to be loved like I know I deserve.
So go ahead and get it on with anyone you want 

Because eventhough...

You were the stars in the sky for me
The fresh air over spring waters for me
The laugh in my life of sorrow for me.
And the less than likely excuses cuz you strayed
The birthdays you missed
The calls never made
You see why I don't care for ya now.
It's Still only me in this bed
You hurt me deep down 
But still clear you are Nothing at all to me.

I have moved on in direction and drive
Going for my dreams now. Forget about love. 
Got passion for what I do and that's More than enough
Loving the life I lead cuz I am completely complete 
Without all the doubt and deceipt.
Just had to seed my passion and count
All the ways I love my life without you 

Because since...

You were the stars in the sky for me
The fresh air over spring waters for me
The laugh in my life of sorrow for me.
I see I wasted so much time on you
And now that I'm here
I see the possibilities
And why I am glad you are gone
Cuz I see the beautiful view accross from me now
Making it clear you Really are nothing at all to me.

Ah, the possibilities...

It is a twist. It's an amazing twist.
You see, I woke up stronger, much stronger today.
The infinite possibilities haven't all hit me yet.
But if some possibilities occured to me this morning, of course there are more beyond what I have thought of.
I allowed it to happen, some of the things that I could control, I no longer wanted to.
No, I didn't leave reality and lose ambition to apply myself in the community. Just a paradigm shift of sorts...
I am conducting my time and energy from a different base; exchanging the constantly doing for thinking. This one change has made all the difference in the world to me.
And what I found was that events turned out much better than the way I would have wanted them to.
This mode of thinking allowed me to see that I wasn't all that. A realization that maybe just maybe life doesn't have to be so damn stressful. That no matter what, it will turn out okay whether you get gray hair over it or not. More than that, it will turn out just the way it supposed to. Perfectly imperfect. No, not anticlimactic, just reality. A reality I now embrace.

Another day at work, another day off.
Been sick the last several days and now I'm starting to feel a little more like myself. I really want to get some things out of my house and declutter my life. I want that clean feeling back. I want to know where things are and spend the time making my space the way I want it...practical, clean, appealing. This will not be easy given that I have to begin with floors and furniture. In time. Time is funny. Well, it is only Spring.

I'll Make It Clear

I am all that.

I got what you want.

Don’t care about your prospects or no money, babe.

Reach out cuz I want to.

I use this to make the riches in me overflow.

And got everything I want.

What you see is what you get.

So get over yourself, it’s not only you.

Not interested in money.

Want growth.

Got to get out of here.

This haze is lookin like mud.

"Time after time" is comin to mind.

Really.

Can it be?

Can it be?

Will you know when it gets a hold of you?

Will it hit you too?

One day. When you’re climbing your way up?

Fighting your way through your life fight?

Or in your prime?

Every time it is a sucker punch to the gut.

Every time it has blind sided me.

No one is exempt.  It seems to affect everyone.

Either you have it, or someone you know has it.

I am not alone.

I am not afraid.

I am empowered to be more

Do more

Live more

Laugh more

Cuz I want to

Cuz I don’t want to die

Cuz I want to be right

Cuz I got to try…

And see that it’s not all that bad

It’s not just these words

It’s my life

Can’t get over the wall if I don't keep climbing.

I cant’ believe I’ve come this far.

But eyes straight ahead, I can’t look back now.

Gotta let ‘em go, it's what they’d  want anyhow!

Don't want it to bite me when I’m payin attention

To the "all important" ascension.

So yeah I get mad and sad and reminisce at times.

I tell their stories 

So just let me live,

Let me climb

Let me be.  Let it stay at bay!

So I can make my mark.

Fuck Cancer!

Are Jee and son of my one beat?

Right or left? I don't get why you won't let me be, won't let me be.
Get out! I climb up and you push me down.
And Screw you!
Now, where is the logic in this?  I want to smile!
Dude, I have done my time. I've eaten my limes and
Even swallowed the frappin seeds.
Right or left? Come on now? Does it have to be the whole world? Why not me?
One time in life! Why not me?!
No pride dares to enter here, it blocks the rain
From washing me clean.
Rain on me. Rain on me.
Try it and see.  It isn't that hard.
Just go! I hate that you won't let me be.
I can't forget, I want to though.
I really want to.
Just let me be.

The drums and the guitar.
The bass and the keyboard.
The voice, the laugh.
I laugh.

The thought of another day with, makes me want out.
I just can't escape you.  Damn eyes and beat.
Alive, life.
That beat's just not for me.
That beat's just not for me.
It is for the world. The mission, I know.
But my beat can't escape, not with you.
Strumming on, I feel it though.
Is it another project, gadget or art again?
What is it now?
In the end it doesn't matter.
Calling my name, the same.
Calling my name...the same.
My beat, you are the death of me!
My beat, you leave so fast.
My beat, you've breathed your last.
Your last is this time...this time.
You've lost, you've lost.
So let me be, let me be.