Blown Away

Life is short. We come and go.

We see love, then away it blows.

We think it's here and then it's not,

I think a lot and then I'm hot.

So hot with fire that I can't see,

this pang of hate that comes out of me.

Then we talk. Haha. We talk.

We don't stop it or slow it down.

I don't tame it, It's no use now.

The love, the hate.

Oh ho, it's not a simple debate.

But down the road....

Behind the curtains, we can't see.

And all this time, all of this time...

It has been right in front of me.

The way of life we yearn

And the togetherness, our minds burn

We own this day by what we do

After all...

Life is short. We come and go.

I'm just holding on before I go.

On School

Why is it so hard to follow what is in your heart? It is right here. I feel it beating in my chest as I type. Why has it taken me so long to start looking?

Most people know what it means when someone asks, "What do you do?" So when I say that I am a mom and a student, the air in the room changes. I love when I hear myself say it. So, eventhough most either look down their noses or express their words through a pity party, I am proud. You see, I never saw an option or possessed the desire to go to college and change my stars. I was born into a hard-working, low earning family without tools or student mentors. So when my teen-aged years came and went, my thought toward college was that it was for:

A. People with Potential
B. People with MONEY!
C. People with Drive.

NOT ME!

Time to enter the work force. Fast forward 8 yrs. BZZZZZZZT!!! Flip, Flip, Flip. ERRRRT!!!!
Then something happened. Actually a lot of things happened. I felt stagnant, void of purpose and like I was going NOWHERE and very, very fast. Oh, the slights in my life and with the habits I was creating, I can't imagine accomplishing much had I not done something different.

Anyone who knows me, knows it is very hard for me to sit still. There exists an internal need to be constantly moving forward in some way. This made it so that I couldn't hold on to much of anything because I was moving and moving on too fast. Le Sigh. Yeah, I never want to go back.

But, AHA!!!! I couldn't sit still. This now appears as drive.
Looking back on the not holding on to much, I see it as a blessing. It wasn't the curse I believed it to be. It was my way of not accepting a fate, but creating one. Yes, this made my life increasingly more difficult as years went by, but it led me back to school.

Most believe I should have just gone to school, but I didn't. I got married, had children, and then began school. My whole adult life was operated in a somewhat backward fashion from what most parents would deem appropriate, but HA! Who cares? I was orphaned as a young adult. I make the rules. I must pause for some much due maniacal laughter....

So now in school, I look to a brighter future. What does it hold, exactly? I do not know. We'll see.

Judgement

Just because I fall down, doesn't mean I stay there....forever. I just wallow in...in...in it and then I...I get back up. Damn it!
Just because I fret, doesn't mean I don't know what's really going on with you.
Just because I leave and then drag myself kicking and screaming back again, doesn't mean I knew why I left in the first place.
Just because you know me, doesn't mean you know me.
Just because you love me and would do anything for me, doesn't mean you get to encourage my self destruction.
Just because you think I don't know, doesn't give you the right to hurt me.
Just because I know me, doesn't mean I know me.
Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it's not happening.

The Most Dreaded Six Letter Word

Cancer. I am so sick of that word and everything that comes with it. My heart is heavy everytime I hear it. It seems as though everyone is getting it-like getting a cold that never lets up.

Something we own and want to get rid of? Well, kind of. Like clutter in your life that seems to find a permanent home right on your path. Is cancer a part of us? Definitely.

Even my sweet Kria has it. It's a very invasive nerve sheath tumor. An operation is out of the question. We are giving her pain meds -that we most times have to force down her throat-just to make her more comfortable in hopes that the pain is less noticable to her while the cancer takes her life. A life? Up until recently has been a happy, active dog.

I remember when I first saw Kria. She had pink bubble gum stuck underneath her mouth and was crawling out from under an old, beat-up car. My brother told me about her and my parents said I could have her, but that she was my responsibility. Now after eleven years, moving with me 8 times, lots of laughs, running, great protection and service (scaring solicitors away from the door and creepy guys when out and about), and wonderful vacations, she is a better companion than I could have ever imagined.