Weather

If you know that it’s hot outside, we can go to the park. 

If you know that it’s cold, we can embrace in the dark. 

Once we try on the weather, we can try on ourselves. 

There’s rain in the days ahead. There’s growth in the fields. There’s a hot love of you and I with blades of grass to yield. 

If you know that it’s hot outside, we can go to the park. 

If you know that it’s cold, we can embrace in the dark. 

Once we try on the weather, we can try on ourselves. 

Come here with me again if you wish to feel.

Come out again with me if it works for you. 

If you know that it’s hot outside, we can go to the park. 

If you know that it’s cold, we can embrace in the dark. 

Once we try on the weather, we can try on ourselves. 

You can see the clock has turned again. I see all it’s claimed life behind it with the dust it gathered too. 

If you know that it’s hot outside, we can go to the park. 

If you know that it’s cold, we can embrace in the dark. 

Once we try on the weather, we can try on ourselves. 

Will you see for me the time I don’t feel I have? Will you text me what I don’t see if you know that I don’t see all the great things that time has? 

If you know that it’s hot outside, we can go to the park. 

If you know that it’s cold, we can embrace in the dark. 

Once we try on the weather, we can try on ourselves. 

Oh dear I just lost again the world I thought I knew. There’s a tree with roots as deep as I am old that’ll tell of more me than I can. 

Thought I missed it.  Didn't think it would happen.  But all along you knew. All along you still know.  What I have faced, what I will face. It is all there in front of you, but I can't see it. Guess I will have to believe it or else. Or else what? Or else I will never get it. I don't want to be the one who never got it, who never figured it out. Still missing something though...

 A person I knew lost her battle with drugs. It's sad, so sad to know that her life ended so young. So sad she fought so hard against it and still died. Another person I knew in recovery once told me, "We all will die our own death, we might as well live our own life." This statement was a tool he used to pull himself from minute to minute through some tough times.
There are so many people  that battle addiction and an increasing number of children start with pills and  never stop. These pills maybe in yours or a friend's medicine cabinet. These are our children, our sisters and brothers, our aunts and uncles, our mothers and fathers, our cousins, our friends, our neighbors. These are wealthy people, poor people and middle class people. These are white collared, blue collared, these are church goers, these are unbelievers, these are the lost, these are the found, these are the vulnerable, these are the driven ones, the slackers, the funny, the serious and anywhere in between. A problem larger than most will ever admit, drugs cannot and will not go down with out an all out war on the human race. One of the many ways drugs get to people? The raging drug industry (yes industry). Families all over the world have jobs growing the drugs and harvesting them to feed their family. Sickening to me because it's in demand to hurt our fellow humans. While these families are making a living harvesting, processing and distributing drugs, it's  wrecking havoc on the individuals taking the drugs, their families, jobs and economy on the receiving end of the drugs. An all around shift of money. The 3rd world countries supplying to the developed countries to chip away at them, one person at a time. I find it ironic and sad.

Time

Do you ever notice there's more time in some days than others? Some say it's due to how much you have going on in your day or how much you enjoy your time in the day.  While that is true for me sometimes, I know there is more and more time that has gone by and don't want less to be ahead of me. I guess I am worried that it's true... The feeling that time HAS to be speeding up leads me to believe that I just don't want to miss anything. 
My kids are growing up SO fast. I am getting older too. Stevie Nicks anyone?

Nothing At All to Me

Dug up a Story I wrote on betrayal:

Nothing At All to Me

I am not to be pushed or hushed. 
It's monogamy or bust. 
I'm not like anyone else who has fussed 
Black and white. It's me or it's not.
Every minute I sit here thinking, 
It's become clearer...
You never gave me a fighting chance in your thoughts
(heh, you just weren't into me) 
The crazy part is you were in most of mine except 
It's NOT crazy since it was in our vows
But you apparently preTended it all.


You know I think back:

You were the stars in the sky for me
The fresh air over spring waters for me
The laugh in my life of sorrow for me.
And now the business trips that pulled you away
The birthdays you missed
The calls never made
I see why I don't care for ya now.
The empty chair accross and next to me
Make it clear you are Nothing at all to me.

I do not know why you did what you did
Oh I could guess: a pair of flirty breasts and willing vagina. 
I have all of this, but I guess she was closer?
I digress. The betrayal is real 
The fate of this hate is born
and closure stamped closed with a red wax seal.
I feel better now that your presence is gone.
I am free to be loved like I know I deserve.
So go ahead and get it on with anyone you want 

Because eventhough...

You were the stars in the sky for me
The fresh air over spring waters for me
The laugh in my life of sorrow for me.
And the less than likely excuses cuz you strayed
The birthdays you missed
The calls never made
You see why I don't care for ya now.
It's Still only me in this bed
You hurt me deep down 
But still clear you are Nothing at all to me.

I have moved on in direction and drive
Going for my dreams now. Forget about love. 
Got passion for what I do and that's More than enough
Loving the life I lead cuz I am completely complete 
Without all the doubt and deceipt.
Just had to seed my passion and count
All the ways I love my life without you 

Because since...

You were the stars in the sky for me
The fresh air over spring waters for me
The laugh in my life of sorrow for me.
I see I wasted so much time on you
And now that I'm here
I see the possibilities
And why I am glad you are gone
Cuz I see the beautiful view accross from me now
Making it clear you Really are nothing at all to me.

Ah, the possibilities...

It is a twist. It's an amazing twist.
You see, I woke up stronger, much stronger today.
The infinite possibilities haven't all hit me yet.
But if some possibilities occured to me this morning, of course there are more beyond what I have thought of.
I allowed it to happen, some of the things that I could control, I no longer wanted to.
No, I didn't leave reality and lose ambition to apply myself in the community. Just a paradigm shift of sorts...
I am conducting my time and energy from a different base; exchanging the constantly doing for thinking. This one change has made all the difference in the world to me.
And what I found was that events turned out much better than the way I would have wanted them to.
This mode of thinking allowed me to see that I wasn't all that. A realization that maybe just maybe life doesn't have to be so damn stressful. That no matter what, it will turn out okay whether you get gray hair over it or not. More than that, it will turn out just the way it supposed to. Perfectly imperfect. No, not anticlimactic, just reality. A reality I now embrace.

Another day at work, another day off.
Been sick the last several days and now I'm starting to feel a little more like myself. I really want to get some things out of my house and declutter my life. I want that clean feeling back. I want to know where things are and spend the time making my space the way I want it...practical, clean, appealing. This will not be easy given that I have to begin with floors and furniture. In time. Time is funny. Well, it is only Spring.

I'll Make It Clear

I am all that.

I got what you want.

Don’t care about your prospects or no money, babe.

Reach out cuz I want to.

I use this to make the riches in me overflow.

And got everything I want.

What you see is what you get.

So get over yourself, it’s not only you.

Not interested in money.

Want growth.

Got to get out of here.

This haze is lookin like mud.

"Time after time" is comin to mind.

Really.

Can it be?

Can it be?

Will you know when it gets a hold of you?

Will it hit you too?

One day. When you’re climbing your way up?

Fighting your way through your life fight?

Or in your prime?

Every time it is a sucker punch to the gut.

Every time it has blind sided me.

No one is exempt.  It seems to affect everyone.

Either you have it, or someone you know has it.

I am not alone.

I am not afraid.

I am empowered to be more

Do more

Live more

Laugh more

Cuz I want to

Cuz I don’t want to die

Cuz I want to be right

Cuz I got to try…

And see that it’s not all that bad

It’s not just these words

It’s my life

Can’t get over the wall if I don't keep climbing.

I cant’ believe I’ve come this far.

But eyes straight ahead, I can’t look back now.

Gotta let ‘em go, it's what they’d  want anyhow!

Don't want it to bite me when I’m payin attention

To the "all important" ascension.

So yeah I get mad and sad and reminisce at times.

I tell their stories 

So just let me live,

Let me climb

Let me be.  Let it stay at bay!

So I can make my mark.

Fuck Cancer!

Are Jee and son of my one beat?

Right or left? I don't get why you won't let me be, won't let me be.
Get out! I climb up and you push me down.
And Screw you!
Now, where is the logic in this?  I want to smile!
Dude, I have done my time. I've eaten my limes and
Even swallowed the frappin seeds.
Right or left? Come on now? Does it have to be the whole world? Why not me?
One time in life! Why not me?!
No pride dares to enter here, it blocks the rain
From washing me clean.
Rain on me. Rain on me.
Try it and see.  It isn't that hard.
Just go! I hate that you won't let me be.
I can't forget, I want to though.
I really want to.
Just let me be.

The drums and the guitar.
The bass and the keyboard.
The voice, the laugh.
I laugh.

The thought of another day with, makes me want out.
I just can't escape you.  Damn eyes and beat.
Alive, life.
That beat's just not for me.
That beat's just not for me.
It is for the world. The mission, I know.
But my beat can't escape, not with you.
Strumming on, I feel it though.
Is it another project, gadget or art again?
What is it now?
In the end it doesn't matter.
Calling my name, the same.
Calling my name...the same.
My beat, you are the death of me!
My beat, you leave so fast.
My beat, you've breathed your last.
Your last is this time...this time.
You've lost, you've lost.
So let me be, let me be.

Rain

The undertones of struggle in this piece signify for me, the death of hate and fear.

Rain

Rain again

Let it rain

I got it

It can rain and I’ll be ok

I know what you said and I get it.

This is what I choose.

Because I will not lose

Sight of my path of seeds,

Laying in the thick of the reeds.

6 o clock again and again, again and again

Hole in my wrist in the den.

I keep it safe from the likes of you,

The coffee is a battery

The likes of you

Just smashes me.

I can’t believe that all I have is good enough

All I’ve been told and sold was that sure, yeah I’ll call your bluff

It’s about to get rough

I’ll sell your shirt off your back

It’s so tough

Rain

Rain again

Let it rain

I got it

It can rain and I’ll be ok

I know what you said and I get it.

This is what I choose.

Because I will not lose

Sight of my path of seeds,

Laying in the thick of the reeds.

6 o clock again and again, again and again

Out there it’s not all you can say

Or about seize the day

Somebody help me get off this hay

Cuz I can’t find the needle I sat on

It’s just not worth lunging the revenge upon

You.  I just want to live on, the best

Me I can be.  But it’s like I can’t sit, stand,

I just gotta interrupt.

Run it over, then scrape it up

Yeah, yeah. Ha! That’s me in a cup

Rain

Rain again

Let it rain

I got it

It can rain and I’ll be ok

I know what you said and I get it.

This is what I choose.

Because I will not lose

Sight of my path of seeds,

Laying in the thick of the reeds.

6 o clock again and again, again and again

I sit paralyzed without a word to say

You think I don’t bleed? Well I do!

I am not gonna live on like this in my crew.

I just show you not a whisper of ill intent

Letting you sit there and lament

In all you’ve done.

Does it make you feel

Better now that you’re shunned?

Shunned out of this area

It’s like a net around you

Protecting you from Malaria.

I ain’t scared of ya.

What? What?!

Rain

Rain again

Let it rain

I got it

It can rain and I’ll be ok

I know what you said and I get it.

This is what I choose.

Because I will not lose

Sight of my path of seeds,

Laying in the thick of the reeds.

6 o clock again and again, again and again

Mental Health

More died at the hand of a mentally unstable man.  Maybe if money entered the talk? How many billions of dollars could we save in extra security measures, hassles and fallout effects on families if mental health is addressed? How would someone be left dangling with mental illness if we had preventative mental health measures in place, ESPECIALLY for military personnel? Come on CNN, maybe Alexis had a mental health issue? Is the issue really military contractor access? Really?  What was going on with him before he was granted access?  It is not a question of the military contractors having free range access! Stalling and not addressing the issue.  The real issue is mental health!  Why not address mental health?? Preventative measures now (even though we don't realize the apparent success when there is an absence of shootings) goes a long way in securing the safety of people, not contractor access for the Navy yard.  That is all that will be addressed is access?  Same can be applied to the Fort Hood shootings.  I get that reacting to fix something we can see might look better, but is it? Root cause, root cause.
http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/17/us/navy-yard-shooting-military-contractors/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

Edit

Edit, please edit.  Stress to yourself to edit because it apparently can bite you really hard.  No matter what you intend, the person who reads it may not get that intention.  It hurts and sucks and apparently this life is a communications class.  Well, the effort is here.  A big, fat sincere sorry for any ill intentions received.  There are none to you.  I hope there weren't any ill effects that came your way.  Still to everyone else please...edit.  

Thank you Man

So I was driving down the road and stopped at a red light.  I heard a honk and looked over to my left.  I saw tinted windows and an outline of a mans head.  The back window went down.  Out from his car came, "Hey Gorgeous."  I waved with my left hand and out bounced a perplexed, "Hi."  He looked shocked and said, "oh, I didn't see your ring at first, sorry."  His sincere apology showed true character. Thank you for putting a smile on my face.  Happy to know that I am still attractive enough to get that kind of greeting. :0)

Simple Moment

Walking along the bank, the rustling of leaves and twigs stop.

She stops to pat the water with her small palm.

The cool breeze off the water collides with her face and she inhales with a jolted smile.

Evermore, the joy.
Evermore, enjoying the simple moments.
In an instant, gone.
The girl reaches up for her mother’s hand.

They continue on their way and leave the bank once more.

Below the Surface

Get me out of here. I wanna take a ride


Far away in a warmer place in time.


So cold here, just aching to see


what I can't fathom. HA, it's gotten hold of me.





Spots of silver, shaking through it all.


Moving along with little care in mind.


Come on by. Believe me- you can.


It is all here just buried deep before you ran.





So bring your red shovel and put me at ease.


Guide me to contagious laughs in pen.


I give so much more in return.


The fire blazes free, in the midst of the burn.

Here

So I have been told that I have an active imagination and should write a romance novel. Mmmm, I might one day. For now, I will settle for the inspiration that the short story and verse offer. Cheers!

Think of me.
Think you know me.
Can’t we just be here without anything to do?
Without anything to say?
We can be here, be here, be here…..
I don’t wanna think you aren’t who I presume you are.
I wanna believe you are who I think you are….
You will be mine today, and I don’t care about tomorrow.
I seek the thrill of you, feel of you, look of you, here…..
Sitting on the brink of absolutely nothing at all….
So just be here in this space, be here, be here…..
No fights, no words, no ill conceived notions of the day, come away…..
I am here, I am here, be here….
I am here….

Going Anyway

Monkey on the free fall
Don’t know where he goes.
Loving is the time of day
I always want to grow.

Make her, take her
Carry her away.
Love her, lead her
Say goodbye someday.

Beautiful Noise

Running frightened from the spot light, it tangles in the web of the spider where its shell rests. The abyss isn't far. The beautiful chimes look peaceful and sound grand as they sound off. 
The aphids are no more when the wasp harbors near.
The bird flies away at the sight of a dog.
The bird doesn't peck the wasp.
The chimes ring again.
Oh, the high tones.
Oh, the low tones.
All together.
The wind blows.
They sound again.
And again.
And again.
It penetrates nerves from the inside and ruptures them.
Oh, how will you cease your sound? Can you not stop and love the quiet? Once more just quiet! Resting on the stone is a rose to cry a tear. The wind blows and silence triumphs.

Litera... what?

Playing with an idea presented to me through literature:

Not here for you.
The graceful words come from your mouth and take me to another place.

I heard on the radio that a certain famous figure is just plain despicable because he doesn’t deal with controversy well and is acting like a child about it.
What would make you judge so quickly?

Getting something you don't want
And then taking something else to, in effect make the first thing go away...
Doesn't work.  It's not an infection.

Saying where you got your coat just solidifies to you and everyone else that you got it and now, where you got it.
Clothes hide, clothes reveal. Can it really be that simple?
Ha, Saying that clothes drape our body to solely protect it is quite an illusive, incomplete statement.
It is out there now and you know it!
Its interminable hold on your state will release you one day. It is alright and you are alright, really.
Really you are!
We all have clothes.

Judgements are harsh from those who don't know and I know.
Life is as complex as we make it.

Goats eat grass and give our world so much more in return. Meh heh heh heh.

Clouds form above my head. A dark day and then, the rain washes away my tears... and I climb again.

Held in the Wings of a Dragonfly

Warm breeze through the air
Holds me in a soothing daze
Buzz of dragonflies
Zooming past my darting eyes
Calls my return and I rise.

Behold, now I state
Now is quite precious indeed
Embrace every chance
To raise your great, shining lance
And improve your circumstance.

Shiny Rings

Looking up with a smile.
The shiny rings in the sky fall heavy on the dewy ground.
There lurks about this ache inside.
Compels something more from the heart.
Give, love, share...
Share in nouns, verbs, prepositions...especially prepositions.
I presuppose a certain position in this world and turn it upside down for you to see everything in pocket.
Over!
Under!
Through this page!
Na! You wouldn't look, I know.
It's all about the shiny coat and easy, breezy time.

I ache to give those rings back.
They are shiny.
They are blinding.
They make it so hard to see the face - in front of me.
You wonder why I turn around,
Dart my eyes
And turn in circles?
Well, those damn rings are detracting from the beauty that IS you.

A Guided Heart

Bits and pieces, I'm on my way.

Right this way, feeling fine.

Keep following your heart.



Bits and pieces, I've gone astray.

Not this way, change my stride.

Follow my heart, go back again.


Bits and pieces, it's all a mess now.

You'll be alright...walk away.

Follow your heart, to me.

A Pretty Picture of Words

Imagining consistency
And ladling joy
Giving it my all for you to just turn away

Thick-headed, stubborn
Heavy heart
Who the hell are you to say I'm insincere?

ha! not knowing is easier, less confusing
I get what you are doing, just go!
I guess it has nothing to with a growing heart or mind.

It's a race to be half good at everything? Buried in day to day? You say you aren't in a box?
Distant, spread apart, talking about the weather? Sticking to subjects on the surface so as not to offend Time....I mean, me?

This is not movement or growth or life. This is death. A death of the spirit.
Dig deeper, ask me. I will tell you the truth. This isn't your neck sticking out. Come on!

Wake up! You want to know more, look and you will see. You can't believe that everything you hear is just what they say it is...Words aren't always what they seem. Games, yep. Lots of them. There is more to this. There are agenda's-not only in the first person, schemes, wiggling into a life and back out again...

Is it too late to scream??

CHOCOLATE

So what! Yes, chocolate is one of my passions. Yep! It is bad. If chocolate isn't in the house, there is always cocoa powder. I can whip up a batch of brownies in no time or maybe some frosting. Ooooohhh, don't get me started on frosting. Here is a babbling on chocolate:

Chocolate is the issue tonight.
I eat all of it in sight!
The problem you see
Is that it consumes Me!
And I don't dare to put up a fight.

(Sigh)

Guess I'll stop after fifty pounds
And a few dental crowns.
Yes! Life without chocolate will be horrible!
The thought of it, simply deplorable!
To never have chocolate around.

By giving in, I aid in assistance.
And lessen the chocolate resistance.
I really thought I could manage.
But clearly, It has the advantage.
Oh, this unearthly chocolate-eating persistence!

(woe is me)

Guitar

Guitar


Sleek, light, hollow

Gripping, strumming, hearing

Enjoying sounds I call my own

Music

Bad News

Overwhelming news
Just a gaping mouth to show
Stopping in my tracks


What do I do now?
Nothing seems appropriate.
Sitting in silence.

Little Surprises

In the corner of her room, she picked up the book nearest her reading chair and began searching for where she left off. She couldn't imagine doing anything else on a Friday night. Two candles aglow on the table, instrumental music in the air. Perfect.



After a while, there was a faint ring near the window. Looking at the clock revealed that two hours had passed. All five feet four inches of her petite body hopped up out of the chair and went to the window. She moved the Crimson lace curtain and unmistakably saw her orange tabby. The cat was highlighted by the porch light in the driveway with his bell ringing as he walked further toward the street. What?!?



She bolted out her door, down the picture-laden hallway, and turned the corner for the front door. What had happened? There wasn't one good reason he should be back. After all, it was Friday night. Six - one, blonde and built, this man looked shocked to see her. There before her was her security and sense of safety hanging in the air. This man, by standing there had just ripped it from her clammy hands. She felt her heart beating out of her chest. He started toward her and she turned to run. She yelled, "but I locked the door!" Running to the kitchen she grabbed the gloc from her spice cupboard, turned to face him with it and fired. The poor man fell backward and she grabbed the phone from the bar.

One Book to Another

She sat near the corner of the diner studying away another day. Her coffee was still pretty full (and probably cold by this point) and the cheesy eggs were all gone. The mid-day sun, illuminated outside her silhouette when she was interrupted by the more than empathetic waitress trying to offer a warmer cup of joe. Looking up, she seemed agitated. She closed one book and opened another. This subject apparantly went right over her head today. I was finishing up my sandwich when I heard her shout, "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?" And then she laughed...

Two sides

1)So what had happened was:
Our 2003 car has discovered mine and my husband's love affair and wants nothing to do with either one of us. He has put a lot of work into that defiant piece of snot. My man drove the car to the school. He got out and I hopped in and took off. I get out onto the main road and the thing dies while doing about 30mph. Great!!! Interestingly enough, a cop was behind me when I came to the stop light. He just looked all annoyed and went around me when the light turned green and I couldn't budge the car. Gee thanks. Yeah, I know, NOT their job.

Any who, once I did get the car into a parking lot, I tried calling information so I could contact my husband and let him know where I was. Apparantly, there is no such place as the University of Houston in Houston, Texas. 411 didn't have the 411!!! Get out of here! Twilight ZONE music was playing in my head.

Well, my man with his inkling that something was going to go wrong (HA!) walked over to where I was. After telling him what happened he said that it would be alright and walked me around to the passenger seat and asked me to get in. Still all in a huffy about there not being a damn University of Houston, I sat. And would you know, the thing started. He drove home. Albeit, he fought with it several times. So the next time I drop my husband off at the imaginary university, I better lie my ass off about sleeping with my husband OR just buy another car -heh.

2) OK, REALITY (a car void of life and therefore void of conspiracy and jealousy):
The MAF sensor stopped working and the car died while traveling. This IS suspicious cuz when we got the catalytic converter replaced, the shop guys PLUM forgot to seal the holes they put in the manifold. Two weeks went by before we went to get the car inspected. The sweet guy at the inspection place pointed it out to my man. My husband took it back to the shop so they could fix their "oopsie."

Well, my husband replaced the MAFsensor. This happened after he changed the air filter, changed belts, cleaned this and that, wrestled with the air conditioning, and now the darn transmission isn't working right (the trans fluid smells burnt and is the wrong color). JOY!!! So now my hands are in the air and he took it to a DIFFERENT shop to get the transmission looked at.

Yeah...the first view was more fun to write.

Insurance Shopping

Shopping for health insurance BLOWS!!!!

They all have a catch and roping you in with a low montly means high deductible. If there is a low deductible, they don't cover prescription drugs or don't cover hospital stays. Isn't the facility bill and the Doc bill from the hospital the scariest thing to have to pay? Geeesh! Oh and why do insurance companies bother to say they will pay what is "reasonable and customary?" Why don't they just say, "we will pay what ever in the hell we want to and then you are on your own." Thanks! And the "usually you pay btwn 35 and 45% for what we deem eligible" doesn't make me feel all that comfortable...I feel the gray hairs growing as I type. Oiyy!

Dying

Dying
Sadness, Losing
Crying, Screaming, Sleeping
Goodbyes and Heavy Hearts Alone
Expire

Bring It On

Here we go with a defining semester in college. I am taking another math course, 2 sciences with labs and a second psyc class...oh goodness.

Goal (although lofty)-stay organized.

In previous semesters, I had a spiral notebook for each class. Not a good idea!!! I wrote in the wrong subject notebook half the time AND there wasn't any rhyme or reason to where in the notebook a set of lecture notes started. Needless to mention, I started to tear out papers and started stapling them next to the last lecture in the correct notebook in an attempt to keep it together. WHAT A MESS!!! Then, I wondered why I was so stressed when finals came around??? MMMMM....it's a miracle I made a decent mark in my classes.

This semester, I will use a soft, multi subject, 3 ring flex binder so I can add all the loose paper I want and put it where I want it. There are tabs for the subjects and everything is clearly labeled. I also have a place to put my index cards!!! All those diagrams won't escape ME this year.

"Damn..., we're in a tight spot"

I like the movie Oh, Brother where art thou.
I laugh at most of the movie and love quoting it.

A few days ago, I witnessed a couple arguing in the grocery store. The "never" and "always" popped out of each of them several times before I was able to escape from earshot. The click clack of my flip flops off of the cereal aisle was COMPLETELY drowned out. As I walked, I wondered which of the lovely fighting couple would make it out alive. I sure felt sorry for the Kroger MOD.

Don't throw the cookie crisp!!!!

You know, most agree that the majority of arguments are about food. Where to eat, what to eat, how to eat, your turn to cook, my turn, etc... Now, I by no means am casting stones, because I have used these phrases. We, as humans, sometimes have a tendency to slip into a "ME" mentality, which directs blame ON SOMEONE other us. Below are a series of warning phrases.

Say these fine phrases and the second it leaves your mouth you will be in a tight spot:

Toward someone else-
It's ALL because you....
This ALWAYS happens.
You NEVER say, do, take, etc.
If ONLY YOU WOULD JUST...

Or inward focused-
I'll NEVER...
I'm so STUPID I can't even...
I'm HORRIBLE because...
I'M SUCH A DORK!

Overgeneralizing is hurtful because as it labels and defines how something is, it also inhibits growth and change. This, in turn, normally ensures that the same issue (or something very similar) will repeat.

Nudies

My daughter decided she wanted to nick-name everything and everyone. She comes to me and says she wants some more nudies. What??? Nudies, mom! Nudies!

No, we didn't have any company. Darn!

Anyhow, I told her, "uh, honey...nudies means nehked people." (or a brand of japanese blue jeans) To which she promtly replies, "BaaaHaaaaaH!!!!! Nehked people."

Note to self....keep your head out of the gutter. She just wanted more noodles with her dinner.

Performance

So I had my first graded voice performance tonight...and I survived!!! It is hard work. It is sooo much more than just opening your mouth and producing a pitch. I never knew what went into studying voice...what an eye opener! I have so much respect for those who sing. It takes courage, a love of singing, hard-core commitment, concentration, connection to your whole body, training, training, training.

My Scottish Dream

School is very stressful and every morning I wake thinking about the school work and how important it is to do well. So, when I throw my textbook or my pencil down and scream "oooohhhh!!!!" and my nerves are shot from all the school work, my husband typically will say something amusing.

This morning while quite discouraged over upcoming finals said, "come on now, let's go get some knowledge in that there head of yours. It'll feel REAL good." He is such a light. I am lucky to have him in my life. It is those type of moments in life that stand out the most. I love my Scottish Dream!

Sento Nel Core

Over the summer, I took voice through HCC. Wow, what an experience! I am practicing very diligently on a piece by Alessandro Scarlatti, "Sento nel Core". The semester is ending and the recital is this weekend. I am so stoked about it and love singing! God, soothe my nerves, so I don't get pitchy. It helps knowing that the only person I'll know there is my voice instructor. Yay!!!

Blur

F*#$ Cancer!! Another oldie...

She looks at me with wide, innocent eyes and a smile.
Something I haven't seen in quite a while.

Lying in bed, I see that face. Ha, even partying and on dates.
Trying to keep my sanity, my body and mind goes off to create...

A realm peaceful and happy. I cannot fix everything.
I'm really sorry, but I have no gifts to bring.

I want to be there to help and to mold,
But my tears and my state keep me on an interminable hold.

When I'm around I see her loving, longing eyes.
But because of fear, I cannot rise.

I try, I really do, to face what I can't stir.
My life is crumbling and this is all a blur.

Battle

Stumbled across this while cleaning out my closet. I wrote it a while back...at least 10yrs.

Wishing this feeling would go
Going day to day
Never knowing where it will show
I just kneel to pray.

The darkness, confusion
Pick my aching head.
Both bright, dim; all an intrusion
NO!!! Leave me instead.

You can't stay all the time
You will go somehow
But I really don't want to climb
So I'll have to bow.

I see the circle moon
That I have to break.
And you need to go very soon
My life is at stake!

The facebook invasion

So,yeah I could stand to learn a whole lot more.

Why do the happenings of the world seem to go on when you aren't there? People grow up and live their lives too. I liked it so much more when I thought I was the only one doing anything worth while (because after all that is all I saw.) I will quickly throw my nose in the air.

What's this? I compare myself to others!?! Gasp!!! How am I going to better myself if I constantly compare myself to others.

The shut-in thing was working for me, damnit!!! What now?????

Nothing I do feels special or worth doing because it's been done AND done. My life is supposed to have meaning for me too. Now what???? The constant reminder puts me in a state of "I don't wanna be near you anyhow!" And how dare you breathe or laugh or grow without me around?

Yeah, I get it...Life isn't a photo. Life goes on. And why am I not ok with that? Cuz it hurts when you want to see those you don't. WOW it hurts!!! OIY!!!

As the 5 year old in me says, "I am the boss of me!"

Kick in NOW! I need to not care and just live my life. I NEED to love me and the life I lead. It is the only one I have.

By Choice

It is such a relief to know I don't have anyone or anything to save. The world will go on if I walk away. I don't have to do anything. I choose to. What a relief!

Close to Fearless

So why do we put ourselves through the, "Why can't I do more?" Ha!

It's really, "Why WON'T I do more?"........ I am scared of loss...losing my husband and children. When I tell myself I can't spend time with them, I am creating a self fulfilling prophecy because my response is to break away from them. If I embrace them, I will love and eventually lose them. *Tears*

Wow, that is selfish!!

Who am I to rob them of my true, whole hearted love? The wife who spends her days being the best she can be to her beloved. Offering compassion, adventure through all of our days. The mother who embraces every hug, shares a smile and lends a steady helping hand with a problem. I will be the woman I know I am. I will be the woman who....is fearless.

Candle

Candle with a flame



Entices all of my core.



It pushes me out.



Failing hold releases a spark.



A vow keeping me from dark.

Moment

Sometimes I don't understand
the way it goes according to plan
and I say, "Wow, can everything else wait?"

Wait while I enjoy this moment in life!
The, "I can't, I won't" is gone for now.
I am here in the moment, I can fly.

Moment, baby me now. I can melt out of my shoes.
I can lift off to another place and call it free.

Scarlet Tanager

Scarlet Tanager



Pecks the wasp and tilts its head



Then swallows it whole

"Fire"

Fire


Light, inspire


Arousing, exciting

Stir with growing intensity
Passion

"Fire"

Fire


Hot, unruly


Insulting, badgering


Hurting from every single blow


Painful

"Breaking Out"

I wanna, I wanna get out.

Climb from this hole to raw ground longing to feel virgin air.

Breathe the breath that is meant, from the time that is spent

Toiling on the earth from which I came.

I wanna, I wanna explore.

Jump off this cliff and free fall onto an uncharted path.

Go the distance it takes, til creation awakes

And takes off with a life of its own.

I wanna, I wanna chuckle.

Forcefully swim through the old, mangled, rusted, steel trap door.

Cackle at the trials, swim the whole damn mile

Lifting up the finds for all to use.

Soap Box

I will not leave.
It is mine, all mine.
I can't believe that you

Could conceive anything me at all.

I am here now, not you-
Haha..you left
Sharing that thing isn't fun
It's all about me now, me, me.

I don't want your gift
Keep it, I want to grow old.

The thought just pulls me down

I won't lose my focus or my way.

Just because I'm more likely
Doesn't mean I share...
The same fate as you, haha!
I will be on my soap box, wild.

A Mind Full Thought

I see it from here
Panicked and lost
The ignorance involved.

I didn't know
How to deal-
And now I evolve?

I could have learned
And knowing now
Helped so much more.

I wish I could rewind;
Do it over so I
Can pull her ashore.

There will be a question
I want to ask, but I
Won't hear her sound.

I can't stand that
Her voice, ears, and mere
Presence won't be around.


Everyone says
That she'll be here
In Spirit.

Well, maybe, but
The fact she's leaving
Is just bull shit.

Blown Away

Life is short. We come and go.

We see love, then away it blows.

We think it's here and then it's not,

I think a lot and then I'm hot.

So hot with fire that I can't see,

this pang of hate that comes out of me.

Then we talk. Haha. We talk.

We don't stop it or slow it down.

I don't tame it, It's no use now.

The love, the hate.

Oh ho, it's not a simple debate.

But down the road....

Behind the curtains, we can't see.

And all this time, all of this time...

It has been right in front of me.

The way of life we yearn

And the togetherness, our minds burn

We own this day by what we do

After all...

Life is short. We come and go.

I'm just holding on before I go.

On School

Why is it so hard to follow what is in your heart? It is right here. I feel it beating in my chest as I type. Why has it taken me so long to start looking?

Most people know what it means when someone asks, "What do you do?" So when I say that I am a mom and a student, the air in the room changes. I love when I hear myself say it. So, eventhough most either look down their noses or express their words through a pity party, I am proud. You see, I never saw an option or possessed the desire to go to college and change my stars. I was born into a hard-working, low earning family without tools or student mentors. So when my teen-aged years came and went, my thought toward college was that it was for:

A. People with Potential
B. People with MONEY!
C. People with Drive.

NOT ME!

Time to enter the work force. Fast forward 8 yrs. BZZZZZZZT!!! Flip, Flip, Flip. ERRRRT!!!!
Then something happened. Actually a lot of things happened. I felt stagnant, void of purpose and like I was going NOWHERE and very, very fast. Oh, the slights in my life and with the habits I was creating, I can't imagine accomplishing much had I not done something different.

Anyone who knows me, knows it is very hard for me to sit still. There exists an internal need to be constantly moving forward in some way. This made it so that I couldn't hold on to much of anything because I was moving and moving on too fast. Le Sigh. Yeah, I never want to go back.

But, AHA!!!! I couldn't sit still. This now appears as drive.
Looking back on the not holding on to much, I see it as a blessing. It wasn't the curse I believed it to be. It was my way of not accepting a fate, but creating one. Yes, this made my life increasingly more difficult as years went by, but it led me back to school.

Most believe I should have just gone to school, but I didn't. I got married, had children, and then began school. My whole adult life was operated in a somewhat backward fashion from what most parents would deem appropriate, but HA! Who cares? I was orphaned as a young adult. I make the rules. I must pause for some much due maniacal laughter....

So now in school, I look to a brighter future. What does it hold, exactly? I do not know. We'll see.

Judgement

Just because I fall down, doesn't mean I stay there....forever. I just wallow in...in...in it and then I...I get back up. Damn it!
Just because I fret, doesn't mean I don't know what's really going on with you.
Just because I leave and then drag myself kicking and screaming back again, doesn't mean I knew why I left in the first place.
Just because you know me, doesn't mean you know me.
Just because you love me and would do anything for me, doesn't mean you get to encourage my self destruction.
Just because you think I don't know, doesn't give you the right to hurt me.
Just because I know me, doesn't mean I know me.
Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it's not happening.

The Most Dreaded Six Letter Word

Cancer. I am so sick of that word and everything that comes with it. My heart is heavy everytime I hear it. It seems as though everyone is getting it-like getting a cold that never lets up.

Something we own and want to get rid of? Well, kind of. Like clutter in your life that seems to find a permanent home right on your path. Is cancer a part of us? Definitely.

Even my sweet Kria has it. It's a very invasive nerve sheath tumor. An operation is out of the question. We are giving her pain meds -that we most times have to force down her throat-just to make her more comfortable in hopes that the pain is less noticable to her while the cancer takes her life. A life? Up until recently has been a happy, active dog.

I remember when I first saw Kria. She had pink bubble gum stuck underneath her mouth and was crawling out from under an old, beat-up car. My brother told me about her and my parents said I could have her, but that she was my responsibility. Now after eleven years, moving with me 8 times, lots of laughs, running, great protection and service (scaring solicitors away from the door and creepy guys when out and about), and wonderful vacations, she is a better companion than I could have ever imagined.